As little as I could believe a year had gone by last December, I can believe the two year mark even less. It's odd, really, marking things by years. I miss Justin at very random times, unrelated to the time of year or what I might be doing. But for some reason, anniversaries make me sit down and think, take some serious time out and remember. Today's a day when I don't feel like pushing my grief out of my mind.

I just read through the collection of old blog entries I have about him, and it's sad how much less clear my memories are today than they were two years ago. I'm so happy I wrote some of them down, otherwise I would be beating myself up even more. It makes me dizzy to think about all the memories I've lost. I'd actually forgotten about my year-long mourning period, and of my weekly black dress. I felt like I should have done something similar today, but I just looked down at my green sweater and smiled; this is more appropriate.

I still hate not having a place to go, I really wish I had an un-crass way of figuring out if there's a headstone somewhere. I've talked before about my love for ritual, and I think that one of the most overreaching patterns of grief includes a symbolic place. The best I've got is the internet, where I'll occasionally find an "RIP" in the sidebar of someone's Myspace. Not that I don't find electronic means of conveying my sadness; this blog is obviously an example, and several cellphones later I still have his number in my phone.

Justin, I will follow you into the dark.