One of my least favorite feelings is of acute embarrassment. I know that everyone must feel that they get more embarrassed than other people, so I can't say that it's worse for me.
But I hate the feeling when you realize that you've said something horribly wrong, or you've forgotten something, or you've missed the point of something, or you have done something you shouldn't have. What comes afterwards can be worse, but that moment of realization, when your heart moves into your throat and your chest constricts-- that's a horrible moment.
A lot of emotions have antidotes. When you're sad, someone can cheer you up. When you're angry, you can release your rage. But when you're embarrassed, there's nothing you can do. There's no opposite of embarrassment, nothing that can buffer the feeling. When you're embarrassed, you're stuck with it.
After that initial rush of blood to the head, the initial shortness of breath, the first blush and fever, a pattern emerges in embarrassment. You work hard to convince yourself "no one noticed that, it doesn't matter," and when you do succeed at this, you are given a moment of calm. But all at once, the feeling rushes over you again. The room gets hot, your face gets red, your thinking becomes a little bit muddled. I tend to get paralyzed and mute.
I can remember feeling embarrassed as young as three. Most three year olds really can't get embarassed, unless they have an accident in their pants. I remember getting embarrassed for saying the wrong thing, or for interacting with people incorrectly.
These memories stay much, much longer than an average memory. I can remember maybe 3 or 4 specific incidents from when I was a toddler. And several of those are of embarrassment.
I know I've mentioned my tendency to apologize compulsively before, but I'm not sure if I've linked it to being embarrassed. So, other than apologizing for horrible things that I've done, I also apologize compulsively for embarrassing ones. In a vain attempt to get embarrassing memories to go away, I count out loud and repeat "I'm sorry."
This is not an effective way to get memories to disappear, and it generally compounds the problem of embarrassment because when people overhear me they think I'm crazy. Which is embarrassing.
Because I get so upset over dumb things I've done, I tend to obsessively talk to myself for a long period of time over one incident. And since every time I apologize or count I have the chance of being overheard, the problem can snowball.
This week has been a week of acute embarrassment. It has been building all week, with several incidents per day, but it really hit it's peak today. The whole week, I have been jerked out of sound sleep because my subconscious reminds me of something I've done. But today, I'm not even sleepy because I'm replaying things too much.
What I don't understand is why embarrassment is not considered a psychological disorder. Why aren't there meds to keep me from replaying embarrassing memories from 14 years ago? To keep me from compulsively counting and apologizing?